MYSPACE HOMOS

I spent much of my afternoon hunting myspace for homosexuals that I went to high school with. But alas, all of my high school homos have found a way to avoid answering the "sexual orientation" question that myspace asks-they replied by saying: "UNDECIDED"

Ok people - I understand that you want your privacy but when your myspace page says "in a relationship" and there are only bull dykes on your myspace page and the person in the #1 friend spot is a bulldyke who's picture is all over your page and your picture is all over their page-then I think the response "UNDECIDED" is just insulting to your same sex partner and not tricking anyone else.

(*After proof reading the above blog I realized I am out for homo blood tonight. Maybe I'm just being insecure about my homosexuality (HAHA) or maybe just maybe I need a crew to roll with me to the WEHO pride parade. Either way being alone can be lonely and loneliness can make you feel like you're the only one. You are not alone homos - you are not alone)

Deep...I know...

Bridget

R.I.P. Freddy

Freddy was my mom's 10 year old pound puppy. He was a mean bow-legged cha-wa-wa (that's how the word should be spelled).

Freddy spent his years barking, biting and barking. He passed away on Sunday night after his little mean heart failed.

Whenever I visited my mother's house Freddy would always cuddle up next to me. I will always remember those few sweet moments we had together.

R.I.P. Freddy- try not to bite at God's hands while you're up there.

CANCER AND HOMOSEXUALITY

I had a joke that I tried out tonight- a joke that seemed BRILLIANT in my head but lost its flavor once I said it outloud.

Here's the joke:

When people find out i'm gay they ask me lots of questions- the same questions you would ask someone that just told you that they have cancer.

How long have you known?

Are you 100% sure?

Have you told your family yet?


THE END OF JOKE

Even writing that joke out makes me chuckle but alas I must lay it to rest. Maybe the joke doesn't work because we are a society full of cancer. I can't think of anyone I know that doesn't have or has known someone with cancer.
Or maybe the joke is like a nailfile to the teeth.

BRIDGET

MONDAY

I was reflecting about my younger years and how my nickname growing up was BIRDSHIT MC-ANUS. I think I've greatly progressed since that period of my life which I now entitle: "THE DARK AGES & BIG STUFF OREOS"

Like most creative children that were picked on for being different- I now feel lucky to have my own mindset to stand out in a crowd.

I can't really say I wish I lived in Windsor, CT population: whocares, and have a ranch style house with 2.5 kids. I'm quite content not spending money on baby's clothes and instead hoarding my earning in a savings account I called: Porsche Me.

Be nice to everyone you meet because you never know who they will grow up to be.

BRIDGET

EASTER FROM THE GRINDHOUSE

I can't make a movie by myself but I can tell when a movie is bad. Similarly, I can't figure-skate but when I watch figure skating on TV and a skater falls I know they aren't doing a very good job.

As for a bad movie I'm referring to the double feature GRINDHOUSE.

I really wish GRINDHOUSE was good. I sacrificed my Easter holiday where I could have been spreading the word of Jesus Christ and finding chocolate eggs to sit through a 3 1/2 hour masturbation session staring none other than Mr. Tarantino. (of course he acts in both Planet Terror and Death Proof- has he always been this unattractive?)

If you haven't seen Death Proof-Tarantino's film, here's the entire movie:
Feet, hot chicks, feet, feet, hot chicks, hot chicks, feet, stunts, feet!

Too bad the actual name "Tarantino" is so much cooler than his movie. Good concept bad execution.

p.s. If the movie "DON'T" ever gets made please please please give me a call.

Bridget

JESUS IS INDIANA JONES

Tomorrow is Easter and as all the properly trained Catholics know that's the day Jesus Christ rose from the dead- or move the rock behind the cave, crawled out and then ran away.

Maybe that's why we hide eggs and look for them? The eggs symbolize us looking for Jesus. Jesus come out come out where ever you are! Wait...did I just ask Jesus to come out?

Hiding Jesus' body in that cave is like a bad movie plot turn where the bad guy locks up the good guy assuming he's going to die but stupidly doesn't witness his death- and then fast forward 10 minutes into the movie and the good guy has escaped and the bad guy is like "How did this happen?" Jesus is Indiana Jones.

BRIDGET

ENTERTAINING THE BACHELORS

I realized after my 50th open mic that I was the ONLY woman touring Los Angeles with the male breeders. Every-time I step on stage at these open mics I look out into a sea of straight men and think- how are they going to relate to my topics and views as a gay female. I guess all my tube tying jokes are out and I guess talking about the expectation of having children isn't a good topic either. I know... I'll talk about dating women- straight men know what that's like!

All is safe on earth once more.

Bridget

Do female comics make you uncomfortable?

I performed at the Laugh Factory's open mic in Los Angeles last night and 30 seconds into my set the owner asked me to leave the stage because I wasn't being "G-Rated". Apparently it's too racy to put the mic between your tits and pretend it's a penis. Now rules are rules and if the owner is watching his back after the whole Michael Richards mess I completely understand- but last night other MALE comics talked about their dicks, their "well-hung retarded brother's cock", their juicy man tits and mentioned illegal drugs numerous times.

I'm not a sensitive girl- I just want to unblur the grey zone. It's difficult being a female comic in a male dominated comic world- am I alone here?

Maybe the world is turning amish...

Bridget