Target is for Lovers!

I went to Target today to use my Christmas gift card (Jen I finally bought a toaster!) and the first thing I saw when I entered the store was a display of Valentines Day cards- WTF??? I'm still recovering from Christmas, New Years hasn't happened yet and now Target has to shove Valentines Day in my face. The dirt hasn't even settled on Christmas's grave and we're already building a Valentines Day mini-mall on top if it.

I realized that Target isn't being insensitive to Christmas- that instead Target is run by Aliens from the future. These Aliens exist 2 months ahead of us and Valentines Day is actually tomorrow in their world.

So hurry up and buy your Valentines Day cards before the Vluntron Aliens buy them all.

I'm ahead of my time.

While everyone around the world is eating leftover turkey dinners from their Christmas Day meals I just consumed an egg salad sandwich to mentally prepare for Easter Sunday's easter egg hunt. Or maybe I need to go grocery shopping.

Love,
Bridget

p.s. The below picture of the Easter Bunny creeps me out- I can't believe people intentionally dress like that and expect children not to be traumatized.

Is it 2008 YET?

Since I won't be traveling to the East Coast to celebrate Christmas with my immediate family this year I find myself waiting for Christmas to pass by so I can get excited about New Years. (that sounds Scroogish but it's reality people- don't judge me!)

Thinking positively about 2008 I have made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish this year:

1. Go to the dentist.

2. Acquire my very own parking space (not that driving around Hollywood for an hour every night isn't lovely)

3. Crack the Da Vinci Code (wait has that already been done?)

4. Travel abroad.

5. Have sex abroad or domestically or in my imagination. (I'm not a picky woman)

6. Go to the dentist.

7. Cure cancer (wait I should start smaller...Cure my endless appetite for Thai food. Dear God, Why do I love Thai food so much?)

8. Acquire a zillion dollars so I can buy a zillion pairs of pants so I will NEVER have to do laundry again.

9. Go to the dentist and ask for a massive amount of free floss in case I don't go back to the dentist for awhile. (why is dental insurance so expensive?)

10. Interview the Dahlia Lama on my new "Brunch with Bridget" vlog on Afterellen.com. And if Mr. Lama isn't available I want to interview the lady that delivers my mail so I can ask her why she always gives my neighbors my mail by accident- I mean how hard is it to differentiate between apt 9 and apt 10???)

Happy Holidays! I hope Santa Claus gives you all that you have ever wanted- except for guns! If you asked Santa for guns I hope he doesn't give you that because they are scary and you could really hurt yourself and others.

Love and ho ho ho!

Bridget

FREDERICK DOUGLASS

I was listening to the FUGEES today and in their song "Nappy Heads" they do a shout out to Frederick Douglass. Frederick Douglass was one of the foremost leaders of the abolitionist movement, which fought to end slavery within the United States in the decades prior to the Civil War. Douglass was a brilliant speaker and served as an adviser to President Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War and fought for the adoption of constitutional amendments that guaranteed voting rights and other civil liberties for blacks.

He changed our country for the better and yet when the FUGEES mentioned Frederick Douglass' name I couldn't help but laugh hysterically! Why? What's wrong with me? I think I was just caught off guard because it was so random. The FUGEES also mention Bob Marley and Harriet Tubman in that song but for some reason when they said "Frederick Douglass Yeah yeah!" I spit my V8 Strawberry Kiwi Splash out of my nose.

Am I an asshole? Remember it's the holidays so be nice :)

WHAT A WASTE!

In my sickness, today I was on the phone with a friend telling her about an incident that happened at a holiday party last week. I wondered why I didn't blog about it before but then I remembered that I didn't want to blog about negative things..oops... too late.

At the party my straight male friend introduced me to a group of straight men. My friend said- "Isn't she hot for a lesbian?" (I guess that was supposed to be a compliment but it wasn't). One of the men said "Wow you're gay? Are you sure? Well if you are than that's such a waste!"

I thought- Yes! I am a complete waste! Waste waste waste- my body, my mind, my soul, my entire existence in this universal has been a waste because this man's 3 inch cock will never be inside of me... for what I'm guessing would last about 35 seconds.

I told the man that he was rude and should think before he spoke to people (That's sounds like a scolding from someone's Nana) but it's actually what I said to him. He responded "It was a compliment!"

Funny, I thought compliments were more like:


"What a nice jacket you are wearing"

OR

"Dinner is lovely! Thank you for inviting me over"

NOT

"Damn it's a shame I can't ram you with my penis."

I just wanted to spread some more holiday cheer before Jesus' big day! Have a wonderful holiday!!!

Bridget

p.s. I bought Jesus an assortment of tube socks for his bday- should I get him something else?

The Government is Tracking Us

My mom just called me and asked me to help her navigate the Afterellen.com website. I sent her the exact link to the ANTM video blog knowing she's computer illiterate. While walking her through it I could tell she was lying to me about being on the website. My Mom made comments like- "Wow what a big picture of you!" (There is no big picture of me on the page)

So I asked her: "Mom, are you actually on the website?"

She said, "Don't get mad, but I'm too scared to go on it unless you tell me actually where to go".

I said, "Why Mom?"

She said, "Because sex sites throw pop-up windows all over your screen and the government can track them and I don't want the cops showing up at my front door to arrest me for being on a dirty website"

I said, "Mom, Afterellen.com isn't a sex site! I wouldn't participate in a sex site."

She said, "I know that. But I figured it's a lesbian site so it will be tracked. Not that you're doing anything bad I just figured someone else would infiltrate the website and send me pop-ups that could be tracked by the government."

-----------------------------------------------------
This is where I had a "Is the glass is half full or is the glass is half empty moment"-

I could be upset that my ignorant mother thinks the government is tracking all gay websites and therefore arresting homosexuals and their supportive parents all over the country.

OR

I could be happy that my Mom called me to walk her through the website to find my vlog because she wants to support a project that I'm so proud to be apart of.

In the end we hung up the phone and my Mom said was going to wait until my Dad got home to help her with the computer.

Bridget

p.s. I hope she doesn't freak when she sees me shoving my endless cleavage into the back of Karman's head.

AFTERELLEN.COM

Hi guys- Happy Holidays! I shot my final "ANTM" parody/recap for AfterEllen.com and I have been given my own weekly video blog which will be online at Afterellen.com starting in January-My show is called "Brunch With Bridget"

To view the finale ANTM vlog click the below link- the website greatly appreciates feedback (especially positive feedback about how cool I am!) :)

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/karmankregloe/wgn-video-blog-12-18-07


Bridget

p.s. Thank you Karman, Jillie and Dara (aka Mr. Peanut!)

Jamie Lynn Spears is Pregnant

Excuse me if this is really old news but haven't been on the gossip sites lately because I've been baby-sitting a 5 year old all week- and you all know how much I adore children (they truly are our future). 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, younger sister of Britney, is PREGNANT!

I'm not surprised at all by this news -what I am surprised about was how ecstatic I was when I found out. I was like "Of course she's pregnant! Now the world makes sense again." Nothing makes me feel more warm and fussy inside than when children have children.

p.s. Young sexually active lesbians biologically can't become pregnant- therefore they have all the fun without the life long responsibility. One more reason that lesbianism is good for ones health.

p.s.s. Congratulations to the Spears' growing family.




Here's a picture of Jamie's future baby's having a baby- don't you just love the cycle of life?

I'll Make Breakfast

I went to a holiday party this weekend and drank way too much. At the party I ran into the company's owner and asked him when he was leaving town to head back to New York. He said he'd be leaving in the morning. Without thinking I said "Oh I should make you breakfast before your flight!" Boy that came out wrong! What I meant to say was "We should have breakfast before your flight." - like at a restaurant with people around not in our pjs after a night of straight sex (icky)

Even though the male owner knows I'm a lesbian he looked at me like I was hitting on him and walked away from me. Which made me scream after him- "Don't you remember I'm a dyke?"
He kept walking away but other party goers heard me- and one heavy set girl smiled and winked.- It was like a John Hughes movie.

Anyway- the moral of the story is: Don't drink and offer culinary service.

Love,
Bridget

Holiday Parties

Tonight I am prepping my mind for the holidays and most importantly the holiday parties! I've already been to a few gatherings and have the bruises to prove it (for some reason when I drink too much -which is rare- I decide to bust out the gymnastic moves and show off my back bends and splits)

In the next few days I have 6 parties to attend- hopefully I'll get to sit on Mrs. Claus' lap more than once. (meow)

Wait.... when you use an apostrophe on an "s" do you need another "s" to follow it?

So is it:

Mrs. Claus's lap

OR

Mrs. Claus' lap

????????

Either way... HO HO HO!!!!

Tonight I went to one of my favorite restaurants and ordered some fish that had its entire skeleton in tact. (yes I'm a hypocrite vegetarian that occasionally eats fish- stop judging me)

I must say I felt like a FUCKING ROCK STAR spitting out half my meal into a napkin while trying to carry on a conversation.
------------------------

December 11, 2007


Dear Mama and Daddy Fish,

Please stop reproducing your children that contain bones- it's not tasty.

Yours truly,

The monster that will eat your family Bridget McManus


(Not the Bridget McManus that was beaten to death by her husband with a shovel- the other Bridget McManus- the lesbo comic)

Google Killed Bridget McManus

Have you guys ever surfed the net (that's short for "internet") and googled your own name just to see what popped up? Well I just did that and I found an article from the New York Times. Here's what it said:

"CHARGED WITH KILLING HIS WIFE.; THE CASE OF BRIDGET MCMANUS WAS SHE MURDERED BY HER HUSBAND SHE DIES OF HER INJURIES IN ROOSEVELT HOSPITAL.

Bridget McManus, who was severely beaten on the head with a wooden grain-shovel by her husband, James, on Easter Sunday morning, died yesterday in Roosevelt Hospital from the effects of the injuries received."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ummmmm....WHAT THE FUCK????!!! I was hoping to find out that I shared my name with a one eyed prostitute that lived in Edinburgh, Scotland not to find out that another Bridget McManus was murdered by her husband with a shovel!!!!

Here's the link to the article:

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9905E4D9113AE63BBC4A52DFB3668383669FDE


RIP BRIDGET MCMANUS



p.s. If the other Bridget McManus was a lesbian this never would have happened- because she's wouldn't have a husband in the first place. Just more proof that lesbianism is good for ones health!

Inappropriate Movie Review

As a comedian I find myself thinking with a comedy mind all the time. I constantly make jokes and sometimes not at the best moments.
Growing up I was kicked out of class, religious ceremonies and almost didn't get to perform on stage with Bill Cosby in New York- all because I made inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times.

Example: My high school teacher was in a bad mood and yelled at the class: "Does anyone have any questions?" I raised my hand and responded "How big is the pole up your ass?" I was just trying to cut the tension- it didn't work.

Last night I saw the film the Golden Compass-

**WARNING IF YOU INTEND ON SEEING THIS MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING THAN DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER**

I sat through the 2 hour film and enjoyed certain parts of it (especially the fight scene between the two polar bears- final knock out is INSANE!!!)

As the film came to the end there were many elements that had no closure and suddenly the credits rolled. This film is based on a book series and no one told me! And now I have to wait a few years, pay more money and sit through another film to finally get some answers. I turned to my friend and told her I had blue-balls from the film. It was if I was ready to have a big "O" and then the film got up to use the bathroom and I was left sitting there with my burning loins (haha "loins" - just typing that word made me laugh)

While exiting the film my friend ran into a woman that she knew and she asked me what my take on the film was- To which I responded "The film gave me blue-balls." The woman had no idea what I was talking about so I elaborated "It's like the film and I were fucking and I was ready to have an orgasm and the film got up and walked out of the room leaving me alone and unsatisfied". Now she understood what I meant and stared at me in silence. She turned to my friend, kissed her on the cheek and walked away. Apparently, that was my friend's mormon boss. The woman didn't really want to hear my review she was just asking out of formality.

Oopsy Poopsy!

Lazy Me

I promised myself a year ago that I would update this blog daily- and I lied! I lied to myself and to many others. I will re-take my blogging vows and schedule time to "reflect" on my day. Thank you for not judging my laziness (and my poor spelling)

This morning as I drink my starbucks tall drip, lay on my unmade bed and watch my money candle burn across the room from me I am deciding on my set list for tonight's comedy show.

Should I sing my new holiday song about Dying alone?

Should I sing with my tambourine the fan favorite: "I'll Love you Til the Lease Runs Out"?

Should I sing the revised "You Wouldn't Fuck me when I was fat, so Fuck You Fuck You" sing-along?

Should I NOT sing and do my new jokes about societal obligations vs. how we would "really" live our lives?

Should I get on stage and clean my wallet out? I really need to do that anyway.

Love,
Bridget

p.s. I really will update this time. (It's as if I'm your drunk abusive husband and I swear I love you and will change..but will I?

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

This morning I woke up with my dog Winston spooning me, made a pot of my favorite starbucks coffee (breakfast blend) and ate 6 chocolate chip cookies while dipping them in my coffee. This is a good day.

2 weeks ago my 70 year old alcoholic neighbor woke me up at 7AM to warn me that my car was going to be towed (Hollywood was having their holiday parade and apparently my car was in the way). Thanks to the drunken neighborhood watch I moved my car in time to avoid a parking ticket and the tow. Last night I made my neighbor a batch of chocolate chip cookies to thank him and I kept 6 cookies for myself.

If two weeks ago my car wasn't parked in the wrong spot than today I wouldn't have had the best breakfast in the world. Everything happens for a reason.

Bridget

(Written December 2, 2007)