demagoguery and combovers

If you watched tonight's Democratic Debate between Sen. Clinton and Sen. Obama than you witnessed three wonderful things:

1. Sen Clinton's use of the word "demagoguery" (Julia and I had to pause the Tivo to discuss the word and its tenses for 20 minutes before resuming the program)

2. Doyle McManus' painful combover (no relation to me or Baby Bridget McManus) If Nasa can successfully send items into space then someone should be able to get this man a decent hairpiece.

3. The debate over universal health care which I personally support and hope it actually works this time around.

I chose my candidate a long time ago and I'm sticking by my decision. Please remember to register to vote and take your asses out to the polls on election day. Voting is extremely important.

Bridget

p.s. who told Hilary to wear the brown poop suit?

Holiday Future

Today is January 31, 2008. I walked into Rite Aid this morning and passed by the Valentines Day display with an array of chocolates, cards, stuffed animals, balloons, and anything else that screams "processed- love" (said the single bitter girl).

Valentines Day has been on display since even before the New Year. Right after Christmas I saw the decorations go up but I have dealt with it-but what I can't deal with is when I walked past the Valentines display right next to it there was an EASTER display. EASTER isn't until March 23!

Come on people! Let's mourn one holiday before we move onto the next. It's as if we haven't even broken up with Valentines Day and we're already sleeping with EASTER behind its back.

I'm sick of living in the Holiday future- let's try living in the now. What's wrong with good old January 31?

Or maybe I should realize that if I can't bet them than I should join them:

OK NEW PLAN!!!! I'm throwing a Fourth of July party! Who's coming?

$2

Last Friday I bought a pair of $11 black tights for the 3 Way Premiere. When I went to get ready for the party I noticed the tights were torn within the package.

Today I finally went back to the Beverly Center to return the tights but I didn't want to pay $2 for parking in their lot. (why pay $2 when I'm only getting $11 back?)

I ended up driving around for 15 minutes to find a local parking meter and put in $.35 to save some cash. Winston was in the car so I ran in and out of the mall in 9 minutes. (yes I timed it because I'm a dork)

When I returned to my car there was a $39 parking ticket on my car.

Apparently the parking signs said

2 Hour Parking from 9am-4pm
No Parking from 4pm-7pm...and of course it was 4:07pm. (why didn't I notice that sign?)

In summary by returning my $11 tights to save $2 on parking it cost me $39.35.

:)

Bridget

This was a very nice evening.

I had a show in Long Beach tonight. On the hour long ride to the venue "More than Words" by Extreme played twice! Both times I sang the song at the top of my lungs- IT WAS AMAZING!

Then I went to the show- filled with lesbians. I walked on stage and said "Wow look at all this vagina and you even smell it in the air!" It was awesome. My set went incredibly well especially with my target audience filling the seats and standing against the wall.

And then to top it all off I arrived home at midnight and there was a parking space directly in front of my front door- dear God have I died and gone to Heaven?

I put my PJs on (new PJS that you haven't seen yet on BWB) and I ate yet another vegan rice dream sandwich- why do I love them so much?

This was a very nice evening indeed.

Here's a link to watch the "More than Words" video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt7L4X4li_k

EXTREME

Counsel from my Mom

Today my Mom told me that I should get a job at a big Hollywood Studio and work my way up the ladder to become the best film director I can be!!!

p.s. Mom, I don't want to be a film director. I never have wanted to be a film director.

Bridget :)

Psycho Killer or Peter Pan?

Yesterday I saw NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN- WTF??? Have you seen it? I was squirming in my seat the entire time and screaming RUN RUN RUN HE'S AFTER YOU!

Javier Bardem is amazing, creepy and INSANE! He plays a killer that hunts down Josh Brolin, his family and anyone else in his way just to get the 2 million dollars back that was stolen from him. People it's not worth it- give him the money back, please!!

Javier has been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor- I can't imagine him NOT winning- he is brilliant in this film. I think he should be nominated for Best Actor but I bet he'll have a better chance winning in the Supporting Actor category.

Anyway- while watching the violent killer hunt I realized- hey he looks like the "real life" Peter Pan!

Do you know about the "real life" Peter Pan? It's a 53 year old man that lives in Tampa Florida. He lives his day to day life as Peter Pan- the boy that never grew up. He created the below website so that Tinkerbell would have an easy time finding him...coo-coo coo-coo coo-coo...

The only way I could sleep last night after watching that frightening film was to envision Javier as Peter Pan.
Do you see the resemblance?









NO COUNTRY WEBSITE: http://www.nocountryforoldmen.com/

REAL LIFE PETER PAN WEBSITE: http://pixyland.org/peterpan/

Do movies make you vomit?

The new action/scary film Cloverfield is making people leave the theater and vomit. Apparently, the camera moves in the film are causing some of its viewers vertigo. I haven't seen the film so I don't know first hand of its effects. I do remember the hoopla surrounding The Blair Witch project when the news insisted that people were running out of the theaters in droves to puke up its scariness.

The only time I ever got up from my theater seat to vomit was when I saw Apollo 13. My dad use to work for a company called Hamilton Sundstrand- a division of NASA. The company rented out 3 local movie theaters for all its employees to see the film.

The most cost effective way to see the film was for the company to rent the theaters at 8AM on a Saturday. My family sat and their seats and watched the film while I inhaled an entire king size bag of Nestle Raisinets. Halfway thru the film the raisinets started making their way back up and out of my mouth. I ran to the bathroom and vomited for the rest of the film. When I returned to my seat Tom Hanks was being removed from the spaceship's capsule- apparently they did it! They made it back to earth and I missed it. I also I didn't eat raisinets for 10 years.

Here's the CNN.COM article about Cloverfield:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/01/24/movie.sickness/index.html

Gayelle verse Lesbian

Have you heard the news? "Gayelle" is a newly invented word that means Lesbian. The Gayelles even have their own website that explains what the hell they are talking about: http://www.sapphicchic.com/xdefine.html

Their website says: "The motivation that inspired the creation of a new word, meaning gay and female, is a long-standing and persistent distaste for the word lesbian. The invention of “gayelle” is with the idea and hope that it will have a worldwide appeal, and ultimately, supersede the word lesbian; a suitable replacement is necessary for positive language and the healthy self-esteem of the gay-female-population."

hmmmmm... i really don't know what to say. I guess if you feel more comfortable identifying yourself as a "gayelle" instead of a "lesbian", "gay" or my favorite "bull dyke" than rock on! Personally I think the word segregates us lesbians within ourselves. I imagine when the gayelles explain their new name to the straight people it's just going to confuse them more than they already are.

In summary, I think the word gayelle is SUPER FUCKING LAME. (but that's just me)


I do however enjoy the word Gazelle.

IT'S IMPORTANT!

I walked into my production office today (did you know that I work with a film producer making movies?) and my mom called my cell phone.

I answered and said, "Mom I'm at work can I call you back?"

She said, "No it's important!"

My mind immediately went to my Pa (my adopted dad) and his health.

ME: "Did something happen to Pa? Is he okay?"

MY MOM: "No No he's fine. It's about Daffy."

Daffy's my mom's 7 year old schnauzer. Since I hate Daffy I thought it might be good news after all.

ME: "Mom what's wrong with Daffy?"

MY MOM: "I was walking Daffy through the center of town and all of a sudden she stopped. I turned around and she was eating a jelly donut."

ME: "Did she choke?"

MY MOM: "No, she's fine but she really shouldn't be eating that. She's your Pa's daughter since Pa LOVES donuts!"


That's it. That's what was so important. I really don't have anything else to say because that is the end of the story. I'm glad I moved 3000 miles to the West Coast.

Bridget

RIP HEATH LEDGER

Heath Ledger was found dead today in his apartment in Soho, New York. I met him for 1 second this summer at a party in Chicago. It was a joint party for Batman and my movie Wanted. He seemed really nice, a little dirty and he square danced all night with crew members from his movie.

REST IN PEACE HEATH. I wish your 2 year old daughter well.

Andy Warhol or Mixed Olives?

Back in December, three Andy Warhol prints were stolen from a trendy restaurant in Indianapolis. The restaurant, Barcelona Tapas, was closed during the Christmas holiday and the prints were removed without forced entry and the surveillance camera was shut off during the time of the crime. Management believes it was an inside job. Can you imagine the hostess shoving the prints down her pants and sneaking out the front door?

Now the owner is offering a reward for the return of the prints. The reward is : FREE TAPAS FOR LIFE!!!

ummmm....

-----------------------
Dear Crafty Thieves,

Keep the print. The tapas offer is bullshit!

Love,
Bridget

p.s. Any restaurant that refers to itself as "trendy" deserves to be robbed.
-----------------------



Article:
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/15072640/detail.html

Crimes against food will NOT be tolerated.

In Wisconsin 7 students were sent to court because they started a food fight in their school cafeteria. They threw spaghetti at the pasta bar and now are facing fines up to $300 each and 4 days of school suspension.

Wow I'm so glad I graduated high school a long time ago. My junior year I threw canned pineapple all over the cafeteria and in the end spilled all it's juice in my lap- good times. Did you know that pineapple are nutritionally packed members of the bromeliad family? Bromelain is very effective in treating bruises, sprains and strains by reducing swelling, tenderness and pain. This anti-inflammatory and analgesic effect can also help relieve osteo- and rheumatoid arthritis symptoms and reduce postoperative swelling. Additionally, bromelain can relieve indigestion. But I digress..

I say don't blame the kids that threw the food- blame the kids that didn't catch the food in their mouths before the food hit the floor!

If a man jumps off a building he isn't killed by the fall, he's killed by his body's sudden connect with the ground. Blame the ground not the fall and blame the cafeteria floor not the students that threw the food.

It saddens me that my our tax dollars go towards these ridiculous court costs prosecuting these kids. Make them clean the cafeteria up - don't send them to JAIL!!!





Article in full:

Monona Students Sent To Court For Food Fight

Three Students Pleaded Not Guilty

MONONA, Wis. -- It was a costly food fight for some students at Monona Grove High School, and some parents said that the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

Seven students, ages 17 and 18, are facing fines of nearly $300 each and four-day school suspensions for slinging spaghetti at the cafeteria pasta bar last month.

Junior Dave Peiss said that it was a "total, complete mess" after the food fight.

School administrators said that they wanted to take a hard line against such behavior.

Some parents disagree. Julie Raasch's son, Steve, was involved. She said that her son should be punished, but the fine and suspension is too harsh.

Parent Bill Amelse said that cleaning the cafeteria for the rest of the year would have been more fitting than sending the students to court.

Three students pleaded not guilty to disorderly conduct in municipal court. Four pleaded no contest. Three others under age 17 pleaded not guilty in juvenile municipal court on Thursday.

Pinkhaired Ladies!

My friend Lauren told me she has a weak spot for women with pink hair. And then today Joni showed me the greatest gift in the world- a website for cat wigs -and of course the main picture is a cat in a pink wig.

So here's a picture for Miss Lauren since I know a pussy with pink hair turns her on.




http://www.kittywigs.com/

http://www.kittywigs.com/pink.html

Burying the Gay Prom

On Saturday night 3 friends and I threw my annual Gay Prom in the Hollywood Hills. I spent all Friday making 300 jello shots and 4 batches of brownies (some with butterscotch chips and some with white chocolate chips)

It was all worth it. About 150 gays, bis and straights came out dressed to the 9s (why is "dressed to the 9s" a term?) My friend Lauren flew in from San Fran to act as my prom date yet she was dancing with Joni all night- SLUTS!

After a month of prom committees, dance song reviews and location selection I can now return to my normal boring life of standup and movie making. I wish I could turn back time and do it all over again. Karman from afterellen.com videotaped some prom interviews which will go in a future BWB blog.

My black and gold corsage is slowly rotting so I must throw it away and bid farewell to the 2008 Gay Prom. (sniffles and wipes tear slowly from left cheek)

Love,
Bridget

The prom was featured on 2 blogs- check them out if you're interested:

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/sarahwarn/bridget-gay-prom-2008

http://outfest.blogspot.com/

BRUNCH WITH BRIDGET Episode 2

Hi guys I'm sorry I haven't "blogged" lately but I've been prepping for the Big Gay Prom that I threw last night with my friends Eliza, Karmen and Sus- I heart them. Anyway I promise to be clever again once I get rid of this hang over.

Today my second Brunch with Bridget vlog was posted on afterellen.com. Below is the link if you want to check it out.

I need more advil....

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/sarahwarn/brunch-with-bridget-video-blog-2

Yes I use to be Fat!

I receive a lot of emails asking me about my weight due my posted clip of the song "You Wouldn't Fuck Me When I was Fat so Fuck you Fuck You". (the song is in fact true)

Yes I have gained and lost over 60 pounds three different times in my life. For many of us our weight can be a life long battle. Just remember, be healthy and make sure you're happy.

Bridget

Below is a picture of me at the age of 12 weighing 190lbs and wearing my dad's XL white tee shirt.



p.s. I have always had the same personality regardless of my size. Always be nice to everyone you meet. It's good karma and it's a great way to conduct your life.

Why are people still reading the Bible? It is so last year...

It's been an interesting news week and today is no different. A man in Idaho cut his own hand off and microwaved it because he believe the Bible told him so. He thinks he had the "mark of the beast" on his hand which the Bible instructs that you cut off and throw away.

Why are people still reading the Bible? There are 7 Harry Potter books available at Borders Books that are much more interesting.

I think if there is a God up in the big white clouds he'd want his people to have their hands in tact.




Here's the link and the article: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/09/hand.cut.off.ap/index.html

HAYDEN, Idaho (AP) -- A man who believed he bore the biblical "mark of the beast" used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said.

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when Kootenai County sheriff's deputies arrived Saturday. He was in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center.

"It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived," sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger said. "He put a tourniquet on his arm before, so he didn't bleed to death. That kind of mental illness is just sad."

It was not immediately clear whether the man has a history of mental illness. Hospital spokeswoman Lisa Johnson would not say whether an attempt was made to reattach the hand, citing patient confidentiality.

The Book of Revelation in the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God's fury."

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell."

What the Hell is going on in Texas?

Yesterday I posted a blog about a woman from Texas that made her wedding cake look exactly like her -therefore eating herself on her wedding day. Men always say they want to be able to suck their own dicks- why shouldn't women be able to eat themselves?

Anyway, today I read an article about a man in Texas who was shot and killed by his dog. The dog told the police that the man was trying to rob him. (I'm kidding)

It was a hunting accident. With all the hunting accidents in the word you think people would just stop hunting!

The man who was a teacher (therefore he should know better) shot down a goose and then put his loaded gun in the bed of his truck where his dog was sitting. When the man opened the tailgate for the dog to run out and find the dead goose the dog accidently stepped on the gun and shot the man in the thigh. The man died from blood loss after arriving at the hospital.

The dog's paw prints were found all over the muddy shot gun. (I think the goose put him up to it.)

Here's the link to the article:http://www.khou.com/topstories/stories/khou080107_tj_dogshootsowner.1dcbce5b.html?cnn=yes

p.s. Stop killing living things!!! , said the liberal dyke vegetarian.

p.s.s. I'm sorry for his family's loss.

p.s.s. Look that is a Gun Dog Magazine????

Nothing Says Lovin Like Cannibalism

On cnn.com today there was an article about a woman in Texas whose wedding cake was a life-size replica of herself in her wedding dress

Yes ladies and gentleman she ate herself to celebrate her nuptials. Now I'm really jealous that it's not legal for gays to marry- I want to eat myself too!

Can you imagine being the person that had to hack her head apart to give the eyes to grandpa to eat?
This is so bizarre. Well if you can't bet them than join them- Can someone please pass me a piece of her areola with extra frosting?

Here's the link to the article:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/01/07/cake.irpt/index.html

BRUNCH WITH BRIDGET

Hi guys- the "Brunch With Bridget" video blog is up. Here's the direct link in case you're too lazy to patrol the afterellen.com website:

http://www.afterellen.com/blog/sarahwarn/brunch-with-bridget-video-blog-1

Enjoy your Sunday.

Bridget

p.s. I heart you Joni!

Smells

My mom gave me a Yankee Candles for Christmas this year called "Midsummer's Night". I love it because it smells like a bottle of cologne that an old man would wear. I originally thought it was cute idea but now I'm creeped out.

Do I miss my grandfather or am I becoming bisexual?



I need to buy some CK1- that shit is safe because it's for a man or a woman.

Apparently I read too much

I love books and for Christmas a bunch of people gave me books as gifts. Which was wonderful except every book I received I already owned.

Which mean either three things:

1. I am super-duper smart and I have read all the books in the entire world.

2. There is a shortage of writers in the world and I read faster than they can type.

3. My friends and family know me really well and picked out obvious choices on books that I would like.

I'm sure it's 3 but I really wish it was 1.

Anyway if you're looking to buy me a book don't buy me the following because I already own it:

-Fun Home
-Beyond Fear
-Notes on a Scandal
-Boys Like Her
-The Inner Game of Tennis
-Hooking Up: You'll Never Sleep in this Town Again Again
-Playground
-The Battle for God
-Wigfield
-I Know This Much is True (** great book by my favorite author)
-Self-Made Man (I now own 3 copies of this- stop buying it for me)
-The Four Agreements
-The War of the Worlds
-Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
-The Lesbian Karma Sutra (can never have too many copies of this book)
-4 Step Vegetarian
-As Nature Made Him
-The French Coursebook
-Prozac Nation (hated it- if I wanted to hear someone bitch I'd call my mom on the phone)
-Tipping the Velvet (Amazing)
-The Second City Almanac
-Comedy Writing Workbook
-The Comedy Bible
-Born Standing Up
-Stock Investing for Dummies (I'm still too dumb to invest)
-Sock Monkey Goes to Hollywood
-Breasts (thank for you this amazing gift Joni)
-Couldn't Keep it to Myself
-She's Come Undone (I swear this book is my fucking life story)
-Medicine Cards
-Life's A Campaign (Chris Matthews, why are you so obvious?)
-Worry
-Affinity
-The Da Vinci Code (ok I'm lying- I have the cds that I played in my car)
-The Secret (yes I'm a lamo)
-Alfred Hitchcock:A Life in Darkness and Light
-The Zahir (BRILLIANT)
-Comedy Writing Step By Step
-The Zen Art of Stand Up
-Rush Limbaugh is an Idiot
-Brokeback Mountain (yes I'm that gay)
-The Italian Coursebook
-Harry Potter 1 (I couldn't even get through it- I just don't get it hoopla but I love the films)
-Lord of the Rings
-Angels in America

Ok I'm tired of staring at my book shelf but you get the drift. I own lots of books on being a homo, comedy and mystical things. Wow maybe I'm completely obvious...hmmm.....

"No one cares about comics!", she said.

Today a friend and I were discussing the annoying and invasive paparazzi. I gave the most general argument one can have, " I would hate to be swarmed with cameras like Britney and Lindsay Lohan!" And my friend's response was, "Well that would never happen to you! You're a comic and no one cares about comics! The paparazzi wouldn't stalk you."

Wow...she is right!

Jon Lovitz isn't on the cover USWeekly in a bikini and TMZ doesn't have glimpses of Robin William's crotch and we never hear family gossip about Bobcat Goldthwait... errr wait...why would you hear anything about Bobcat! I don't understand why he's famous- he's just talks annoyingly- is that a talent? If you think I'm being harsh please rent the holiday classic "Scrooged" starring a real comic Bill Murray but I digress....

My friend is indeed correct, no one cares about comics.

Bridget

P.S.
Dear Mr. Cat,
If you're reading this blog please know that I have the utmost respect for you and your talents. You have given a voice to all the little annoying ugly white men in the word and I'm sure they thank you and admire your success.