Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tears and Honey.

Today I went to the doctor for my yearly check up and I forgot I needed to get blood work done...oh shit!

I HATE needles. I always cry, I pass out and then I continue to cry some more.

I instructed my doctor that I was A-O-K and my blood was in tip top super-duper shaped. He listened to my pitch then instructed me to go down to the 2nd floor and get my blood taken.

On the 2nd floor the receptionist was lovely. She took me to the back to get prepped and I told her I was bad with needles. I asked her for some water and a piece of candy.

She laughed. I didn't.

She smiled and then dialed the phone next to her and whispered into it, "Grab Katrina."

Katrina? Who's Katrina?

Katrina was large russian woman who was summoned from her lunch break to take my blood and make sure I didn't faint in their office. Katrina entered with no eye contact and was all business. She told me they didn't have candy in their office because their office wasn't for babies.

Katrina 1, Bridget 0

Then she handed me a dixie cup of water and a packet of honey. She told me that the office didn't provide the honey, that she takes the packets from Starbucks and brings in for people like me.

Katrina 2, Bridget 0

Katrina rolled up my sleeve, groaned and then began to stab at my tiny veins. I told the receptionist my veins were little but apparently she didn't pass the message onto Katrina aka Sweeney Todd. I tore open the packet of honey with my teeth and sucked on it while tears began to stream down my face.

I HATE needles!

Katrina said she didn't understand why I was crying. She said she took blood from a 3 year old last week and he didn't cry.

Katrina 3, Bridget 0

I said, "I thought this office wasn't for babies?!"

Katrina 3, Bridget 1

Katrina quipped, "The three year old wasn't acting like a baby."

Katrina 4, Bridget 1

Ummm WTF? Why was this woman being so mean to me? Was I in a Quentin Tarantino movie? I couldn't be because if I was then Quentin would be standing by waiting to jump in and ruin the scene with his overacting...I digress.

Katrina finished taking my blood, licked her fingers (ok she didn't do that but if she did I wouldn't have been surprised) and bandaged me up.

I held my arm up and wiped my tears from my face. She then said I wasn't allowed to cry on the next one.

The NEXT ONE?

Katrina said she needed to take more blood. More? Why didn't she just take it all when my veins were dripping? Katrina told me we were going to have to wait 10 minutes until I calmed down because she couldn't work with my crying. Apparently my crying was too distracting for her.

I told her that she either do it then or not at all because I wanted to leave immediately.

She agreed and handed me another honey packet. I sucked down that little packet in 3 seconds as she stabbed me in my arm yet again and told me to sit still since my crying was causing me to shake.

2 gallons of blood later I'm all bandaged up.

IN SUMMATION:

#1 Honey packets ROCK!
#2 Katrina SUCKS!
#3 The KILL BILL series RULES!

p.s. Maybe Katrina is short for California Mountain Snake?

Kill_Bill_1024-1

7 comments:

Claire said...

On Monday, I was psyching myself up to watch the needle go in for donating blood, but my iron was too low, so that was a bust. I did watch during the finger pricks, but you can't actually see the needle with those puncture contraptions.

Nonetheless, I really do not judge your needle phobia. I saw a video of you sashaying about with two snake-entwined women at Dinah which is something that would take a hell of a lot for me to even consider doing. Just seeing photos or footage of snakes takes will power. If not for you (and your kick-ass red dress), I wouldn't have made the effort to watch.

So, brava for surviving the needles!

On a non-phobia note, I saw my 1st episode of Men Vs. Wild last night. Bear's guest was Will Ferrell so I thought of you doubly.

Sabriel said...

Well done Bridget! I have a huge needle phobia and so far have avoided having any blood taken, I was supposed to have some taken to see if I was anaemic and also before an eye operation but refused!! It's sooo difficult being that scared of needles, well done for going through with it!

TheWeyrd1 said...

I just look away...as long as I'm looking away, I'm okay...really.

Susanna said...

Katrina sounds like a real beyatch! For what it's worth, you have all my support, Bridget :)

As far as "Kill Bill Volume One" is concerned: Daryl Hannah whistling in the hall as she goes to kill Uma Thurman, the tune she whistles, the PUSSY WAGON.... they're all priceless.

Julia said...

I have to agree with you on the Kill Bill serie!

Briony said...

Lol, Honestly, if Katrina looked like Elle Driver, you should've let her bleed you dry. That woman is HAWT!!! Plus Kill Bill is pure geniousness. RIP David Carridine.

a. g. hayes said...

People who take blood are always total fucks. I don't understand.