Saturday, April 10, 2010

Therapy

I'm using this blog for therapy since my next session isn't until next week. :)

I eat in private.

Since I was a child I have hid food all over my house and if I wasn't seen eating the food then the calories it didn't count (which of course is not true but I still believed it).

Tonight I found myself hunting for chocolate in my kitchen which I intentionally stock with no sweets. My wife was on the phone talking with my mother so I considered sneaking out of the house to walk down to the drug store to get some candy. Since I try to hide my eating I didn't want to risk being caught sneaking out of the house so instead I hunted for candy until I found a dried up "chocolate" flavored protein health bar in the way far back of one of my cabinets. The bar was no longer chewy or sweet but I ate it anyway. After eating the bar I felt better and guilty at the same time.

I have gained and lost 50 pounds three different times in my life. Even though this time I've keep the weight off for going on 7 years I still struggle everyday.

chocolate

6 comments:

Her Girl said...

I'm battling with the exact same problem right now. I'm trying so hard to stop, but so far it's not working. Thank you so much for posting this. I feel a little less alone.

Bridget McManus said...

you are definitely not alone my friend. :)

Di said...

Thanks for sharing that with us, Bridget. For me it's not food but other vices that are unhealthy. Everyone has their struggles, no matter what they involve. It's good to be reminded of that and be supportive of each other. And not mean.

Kris said...

I'm also struggling with the same issue. I just started Weight Watchers. I don't actually go to meetings or anything but I count points. It's a difficult when my friends want to go out to eat and I can't indulge with them. Right now, I don't think losing is the problem. I'm very motivated to lose weight. I'm scared that once I reach my goal weight, I won't be able to keep it off. Kudos for being able to keep it off for 7 years!

Lainey said...

For the record Bridget - you're absolutely beautiful just the way you are - I think so anyway.

When I was 10 I weighed 150 pounds. My inner thighs rubbed together causing a rash. I hated summers & hated wearing shorts because of this. I used to go next door to my cousin's house in the mornings before school as my mom worked early hours, & I used to steal candy bars (Snickers) from their kitchen cabinet & eat them while I walked to school. I felt good & guilty at the same time. People used to make fun of me because I was so heavy - kids are so cruel.

One day a class mate invited me to go & jog with her. I had never jogged before but she was pretty. So I accepted & we ran regularly. Then one day I was sitting on the toilet looking down at my legs & freaked out because I thought something was wrong w/them. Moments later I realized I was looking at my knee caps for the first time in my life.

Today - I love summer & have been a runner ever since. I think the shift for me was liking & accepting who I was, & I soo did not like who I was for a very long time ( I'm not referring to my sexuality, but rather those inner demons that tell you you're not good enough or worthy). I'm comfortable in my own skin, but It took a long time to find that inner peace. Looking back (a long way back as I'm 44) I don't think I would've changed anything - I've learned a lot from that journey.

imagesbyemily said...

i too struggle with this, and always have. in 2008 i lost 60lbs by eating clean and really not eating any junk at all - and i felt great!

then last year while i was in antarctica i was very limited on what i had available to eat, and so i started to eat crap again, and gained back everything i lost. i am now struggling with breaking myself of eating the crap just to feel better again.

its incredibly hard - and i know exactly what you're talking about! i JUST searched my pantry for junk, and luckily didn't find any - i just ate a fruit leather instead - but i'm still craving chocolate :)