Sunday, August 24, 2008

Joan Allen is a MONSTER

Joan Allen stars as ruthless prison warden/car race-loving/pay per view-moguling monster in DEATH RACE or what I refer to it as. THE WORST MOVIE EVER! (I really mean that hence the CAPS!) Allen was born to play this role!

Here's IMBD's log line for DEATH RACE: Ex-con Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) is forced by the warden of a notorious prison (Joan Allen) to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory.

here are 10 reasons why this movie SUCKS:

#1 THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#2 Allen is the "bad guy". I repeat, JOAN ALLEN is the BADGUY????!!!!!

#3 Statham's wife is murdered and he is framed for her death. When Statham goes to jail he is blackmailed by Allen to race cars for Allen's murderous pay per view television show. WTF?

#4 Statham takes over the identify of a dead prison race car driver named Frankenstein. Frankenstein wears a mask so he can be replaced when he dies so the legend of Frankenstein will live on forever. Didn't the Dread Pirate Roberts already do that in the PRINCESS BRIDE?

#5 Tyrese thinks a British accent sounds "freaky."

#6 Allen says, "Fuck with me and see who shits on the sidewalk!" Apparently, Joan Allen does NOT shit on sidewalks, good to know.

#7 The evil Allen wears Banana Republic-looking skirt suits to work everyday. Now that's fucking evil shit right there.

#8 Did I mention THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#9 There are skanky female prisoners/ race car experts who "assist" the male race car drivers (and who die in all the races). Why do the skanky bitches always have to die?

#10 *SPOILER* In the finale Stratham escapes prison and sends a wrapped box to Allen's office. Allen opens the package thinking it's a thank-you-gift from a pay per view fan but alas inside the package is a bomb which blows up the entire prison. KABOOM!!! Shouldn't the prison guards have inspected the package before they gave it to her? What kind of prison are they running here? Oh yeah they are running a retarded prison that telecasts killer car races. DUH, my bad!

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5 comments:

RHEA said...

LMAO....what a great review for a horrible movie...hahaha

Natazzz said...

I hope you are picking all these crappy movies on purpose.

Friday night used to be my "try to find the best worst movie" night.

Your blog has inspired me to start all that again. Please keep telling us about all the crap you watch ;-)

TheWeyrd1 said...

Joan Allen...hmmm...I think I saw her pic on the walls of theatres in Boulder back when I was a theatre rat...

ForSerious said...

you should go back and watch the prequel to this film "Death Race 2000" it's a cult classic that introduces the character Frankenstein. In that film the race takes place on the streets and you get points for killing pedestrians. It's pretty cheesy, but it sounds way less chauvinistic than the new version...in the old one there are even some women drivers who have male navigators....

it's good

you should watch it.

yenbar said...

I get the distinct feeling that you did not care for this movie...