Joan Allen is a MONSTER

Joan Allen stars as ruthless prison warden/car race-loving/pay per view-moguling monster in DEATH RACE or what I refer to it as. THE WORST MOVIE EVER! (I really mean that hence the CAPS!) Allen was born to play this role!

Here's IMBD's log line for DEATH RACE: Ex-con Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) is forced by the warden of a notorious prison (Joan Allen) to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory.

here are 10 reasons why this movie SUCKS:

#1 THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#2 Allen is the "bad guy". I repeat, JOAN ALLEN is the BADGUY????!!!!!

#3 Statham's wife is murdered and he is framed for her death. When Statham goes to jail he is blackmailed by Allen to race cars for Allen's murderous pay per view television show. WTF?

#4 Statham takes over the identify of a dead prison race car driver named Frankenstein. Frankenstein wears a mask so he can be replaced when he dies so the legend of Frankenstein will live on forever. Didn't the Dread Pirate Roberts already do that in the PRINCESS BRIDE?

#5 Tyrese thinks a British accent sounds "freaky."

#6 Allen says, "Fuck with me and see who shits on the sidewalk!" Apparently, Joan Allen does NOT shit on sidewalks, good to know.

#7 The evil Allen wears Banana Republic-looking skirt suits to work everyday. Now that's fucking evil shit right there.

#8 Did I mention THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#9 There are skanky female prisoners/ race car experts who "assist" the male race car drivers (and who die in all the races). Why do the skanky bitches always have to die?

#10 *SPOILER* In the finale Stratham escapes prison and sends a wrapped box to Allen's office. Allen opens the package thinking it's a thank-you-gift from a pay per view fan but alas inside the package is a bomb which blows up the entire prison. KABOOM!!! Shouldn't the prison guards have inspected the package before they gave it to her? What kind of prison are they running here? Oh yeah they are running a retarded prison that telecasts killer car races. DUH, my bad!

The Best Worst Movie I've Seen in a Long Long Time

The Best Worst Movie I've Seen in a Long Long Time Award goes to.... SHOOT 'EM UP

With a title like "Shoot 'Em Up, why wouldn't this action packed gun wielding Monica Bellucci lactating movie be a winner? Well, I'm so glad you asked because I'll tell you why! But please note the worst parts of this movie are also the best parts of the movie.

This movie sucks and is awesome...
because Clive Owen shot guns and stabbed people to death with carrots.
because Monica Bellucci prostituted herself to buy a cameo bullet proof vest for a baby.
because Paul Giamatti felt up a dead woman.
because there was a pivotal chase scene involving a merry-go-round.
because the word "pussy" was used A LOT...even for me...(Page Hurwitz)
because Clive and Mon Mon won a gun fight while having sex.
because in the first minute of the movie a guy threatens to give a c-section to an awake pregnant woman with a dagger.
because Clive taught an infant how to use a gun.
because Pauly was the "bad guy", yet in real life Paul would get winded walking to his mailbox.
because after jumping out of a plane there was a fight scene in the air.
because after discussing a still born birth Clive and Mon Mon "got it on".
because the writing was so laughable that I now have to share it with others. Like this witty banter:
Mr. Smith You want to know the difference between this luxury car and a porcupine?
DQ: I give up.
Mr. Smith:With the car, the prick's on the inside.

I don't want to spoil this must see flick. Seriously go to Blockbuster IMMEDIATELY and rent this movie. It is terribly amazing and makes me want to stab someone in the eye with a carrot.