THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL Film Review

The Day the Earth Stood Still Film Review

I just got off a plane and I thought I'd put on a relaxing movie. I watched THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL but it didn't relax me it made my brain explode from stupidity.

Here is what Wikipedia's says about the movie, "A flying saucer orbits Earth, and lands in Central Park and alien Klaatu, Keanu Reeves, steps out and is shot by a jumpy soldier. The film updates the Cold War theme of nuclear warfare to the contemporary issue of humankind's environmental damage to the planet. The screenplay is based on the 1940 classic science fiction short story "Farewell to the Master" by Harry Bates and the 1951 screenplay adaptation by Edmund H."

Here's my *expert opinion:

-This disaster film has no heart so after 20 minutes I didn't care if the earth blow up or if the dvd caught on fire in my dvd player.

-Keanu Reeves plays an alien named Klaatu. This was the role he was BORN to play!

-THE LABYRINTH'S Jennifer Connelly has the fate of the world in her hands. Who put her dumb ass in charge? I'd rather have the fate of the World in the hands of Bill Pullman from INDEPENDENCE DAY or even Anne Heche in VOLCANO! Ok, that's not true. I wouldn't want Anne to make any decisions regarding the human race or even decide what I have for dinner.

-Kathy Bates acts like an angry Cinnabon thru the entire film. What a waste of the amazing and talented Kathy Bates. I'd rather watch Kathy's nude scene in ABOUT SCHMIDT for 4 hours straight than watch 1 trailer for TDTESS.

-Jaden Smith is a douche-in-training. Like father, like son.

-I paid money to rent this POS. Now I'll have to steal something to get my money back so this whole experience is a wash.

IN SUMMATION:
Thanks to TDTESS I now have become a petty thief. If David Bowie starred in this film it would have been awesome and the Earth wouldn't have stood still, it would have SPUN!



*By expert, I mean douche-graduate.

HOUSE BUNNY Film Review

I'm a big fan of Anna Ferris because she has no problem making a jackass out of herself. She has great comedic timing and an array of zany facial expressions. So to support her I rented HOUSE BUNNY.

The movie was terrible and funny at the same time so I'm going to call it "terribly funny".

Anna (yes, we're on a first name basis) plays Shelley, a Playboy bunny, who is tossed out of the mansion, she has nowhere to go until she falls in with the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta.

The movie has some very bizarre moments but here's 5 reasons you should see this "terribly funny" film:


#1. Hugh Hefner's bad over-acting. I heart him.

#2. A. Katherine Mcphee karaokeing to "Like a Loser"- a rendition of "Like a Virgin" p.s. She's pregnant in the film and nobody mentions or seems to care who the father is. AWESOME!

#2. B. Rumer Willis' "Forrest Gump" run and the shedding of her metal body brace. Why the hell is she wearing it in the first place- nobody knows.

#3. When the elderly start dancing and swinging their canes and walkers around.

#4. When Anna (yes, we're friends-in my mind at least- I thought we covered that already) says, "The eyes are the nipples of the face." Shakespeare couldn't have written it better.

#5. Anna Ferris, Anna and her plethora of skanky costumes, Anna's monologue about her heart not really being located in her skull, Anna getting severe leg burns while attempting to reenact the Marilyn Monroe scene over the manhole, Anna screaming, "Sweet balls!" as she's staring into a man's crotch, Anna, Anna, and Anna!

Ocean's Eleven

I just caught the end of the film Ocean's Eleven (the remake with George Clooney and Brad Pitt) and I'm so annoyed that I don't even feel like writing the full explanation of the movie so if you have already seen this film then I'm targeting you ONLY.

In Ocean's Eleven Julia Roberts is the only female character and she is torn between two men, George Clooney and Andy Garcia. I myself (if I was straight) would have liked Brad Pitt in the mix because I find him harmless and effeminant

Anyway, at the end of the film, in less than 1 minute Julia Roberts decides to dump Andy Garcia and then become magically in love with George Clooney. Yes in 1 minute while walking angrily out the front doors of the casino Julia decides -Wait! Stop! Of course! I don't love Andy because I NOW love George Clooney!

Why can't Julia Roberts be pissed off at Andy and go home alone? Without a man! Why does she have to immediately replace one guy with another? Can she at least brush her teeth before she makes out with her next boyfriend? I bet Julia's character will be on Jerry Springer next week waiting for the paternity results to find out who her baby's daddy is. My guess is it's Clooney's kid.

p.s.
Dear Hollywood Screenwriters,

Can you please try harder to develop female characters so women don't come across as mindless douche bags who only hunt for men.

Sincerely,

Bridget

Joan Allen is a MONSTER

Joan Allen stars as ruthless prison warden/car race-loving/pay per view-moguling monster in DEATH RACE or what I refer to it as. THE WORST MOVIE EVER! (I really mean that hence the CAPS!) Allen was born to play this role!

Here's IMBD's log line for DEATH RACE: Ex-con Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) is forced by the warden of a notorious prison (Joan Allen) to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory.

here are 10 reasons why this movie SUCKS:

#1 THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#2 Allen is the "bad guy". I repeat, JOAN ALLEN is the BADGUY????!!!!!

#3 Statham's wife is murdered and he is framed for her death. When Statham goes to jail he is blackmailed by Allen to race cars for Allen's murderous pay per view television show. WTF?

#4 Statham takes over the identify of a dead prison race car driver named Frankenstein. Frankenstein wears a mask so he can be replaced when he dies so the legend of Frankenstein will live on forever. Didn't the Dread Pirate Roberts already do that in the PRINCESS BRIDE?

#5 Tyrese thinks a British accent sounds "freaky."

#6 Allen says, "Fuck with me and see who shits on the sidewalk!" Apparently, Joan Allen does NOT shit on sidewalks, good to know.

#7 The evil Allen wears Banana Republic-looking skirt suits to work everyday. Now that's fucking evil shit right there.

#8 Did I mention THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!

#9 There are skanky female prisoners/ race car experts who "assist" the male race car drivers (and who die in all the races). Why do the skanky bitches always have to die?

#10 *SPOILER* In the finale Stratham escapes prison and sends a wrapped box to Allen's office. Allen opens the package thinking it's a thank-you-gift from a pay per view fan but alas inside the package is a bomb which blows up the entire prison. KABOOM!!! Shouldn't the prison guards have inspected the package before they gave it to her? What kind of prison are they running here? Oh yeah they are running a retarded prison that telecasts killer car races. DUH, my bad!

Movie Review: THE GIFT

Psychic widow, Cate Blanchett, gives tarot readings to the local looney rednecks while her three boys long for their late Papi. Cate uses her cards to be a therapist to the abused mullet-headed Hillary Swank and Beck's brother-in-law and tortured soul Giovanni Ribisi

5 Reasons To See THE GIFT:

#1 Hilary Swank's mullet.
#2 Katie Holmes is topless and dead. (Stacie Ponder says, "Katie's body is BANGIN' but from the neck up she can take a hike." How much do we all LOVE Stacie!?!?!)
#3 An elderly man's naval tattoo
#4 The awesome soccer-ball lamp in the Cate's kid's bedroom.
#5 Cate checks out a crime scene at night in a thunder storm because that's the ideal time to look for clues.

THE GIFT

The Best Worst Movie I've Seen in a Long Long Time

The Best Worst Movie I've Seen in a Long Long Time Award goes to.... SHOOT 'EM UP

With a title like "Shoot 'Em Up, why wouldn't this action packed gun wielding Monica Bellucci lactating movie be a winner? Well, I'm so glad you asked because I'll tell you why! But please note the worst parts of this movie are also the best parts of the movie.

This movie sucks and is awesome...
because Clive Owen shot guns and stabbed people to death with carrots.
because Monica Bellucci prostituted herself to buy a cameo bullet proof vest for a baby.
because Paul Giamatti felt up a dead woman.
because there was a pivotal chase scene involving a merry-go-round.
because the word "pussy" was used A LOT...even for me...(Page Hurwitz)
because Clive and Mon Mon won a gun fight while having sex.
because in the first minute of the movie a guy threatens to give a c-section to an awake pregnant woman with a dagger.
because Clive taught an infant how to use a gun.
because Pauly was the "bad guy", yet in real life Paul would get winded walking to his mailbox.
because after jumping out of a plane there was a fight scene in the air.
because after discussing a still born birth Clive and Mon Mon "got it on".
because the writing was so laughable that I now have to share it with others. Like this witty banter:
Mr. Smith You want to know the difference between this luxury car and a porcupine?
DQ: I give up.
Mr. Smith:With the car, the prick's on the inside.

I don't want to spoil this must see flick. Seriously go to Blockbuster IMMEDIATELY and rent this movie. It is terribly amazing and makes me want to stab someone in the eye with a carrot.

Dan In Real Life.

Last night I rented the critically acclaimed film, Dan in Real Life, starring the fabulous comic genius Steve Carell. I had high hopes for this film although douchey mcdoucherson Dane Cook costarred as Carell's brother. I figured the charming French actress Juliette Binoche would melt my heart like she did in the English Patient and Chocolate but alas I found myself screaming at my dvd player saying- this is AWFUL!

If you haven't seen the film let me give you a run down:
Single father and writer, Carell is raising is 3 young daughters. Oh how cute! I automatically have to love Carell as the underdog protagonist and I bet by the end of the film he and his girls grow closer together. Please excuse me while I vomit in my own mouth. Cud anyone? (Come on who doesn't love a good cow reference?)

Carell and his darlings pack up and heads to Rhode Island for a family gathering. The grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all love each other SO much that they play games NON stop.

Hey- let's go to the beach!
Hey- let's do crossword puzzles!
Hey- let's play charades!
Hey- let's do aerobics outside!
Hey- let's have a music night and sing together!


This was like watching the Brady Bunch on steroids. No family loves each other that much. If I was with my family I'd be hiding out in my bedroom waiting to check in online early so I could catch a flight back home.

The best part of this movie is when Carell has love at first sight with Binoche from across a bookstore. Who wouldn't have love at first site with Juliette Binoche? As the two strangers part ways Carell gets Binoche's phone number although she tells him she has a boyfriend.

On a side note- I would kick my girlfriend in the head if she gave her number to a stranger!

Ok back to the plot:

Carell races back to his family's house excited that he finally meet someone. Poor guy, it's been four years since his wife's passing. As Carell enters the house his two brothers jump up and instantly notice Carell's sudden mood change. Wait, when did straight men become so intuitive?

Carell explains he met someone special and just at that moment Cook wants to introduce Carell to his new girlfriend. SURPRISE! His new girlfriend is Juilette Binoche! Don't you hate it when that happens? Hijinks must ensue, right?

I'll fast forward past the retardation and forced chemistry to the surprising ending when Cook "allows" Carell to have his girlfriend. As if she was a bowling trophy he has no need for anymore. Carell marries Binoche and their wedding is shown during the closing credits.

So let me just clarify why I have a huge problem with this film- I would NEVER marry, date or touch someone that my sister dated. Gross gross gross! There are enough people in this world that you don't have to share a vagina vessels with one of your family members.

Below are three other movies where siblings share sex partners. Did I mention this is disguising and resembles an episode of Jerry Springer?

The Other Boleyn Girl
Family Stone
American Sweetheart