I'm allergic to pussy.

I'm allergic to pussy cats and every damn lesbian I know has one or two or MORE! It reminds me of the children's ghost story THE RED RIBBON where a woman wore a red ribbon around her neck and refused to take it off. Every few years her husband would ask her why she never removed the ribbon and she'd say ""I must never take off my red ribbon."

One night while the woman was asleep her husband crept out of bed and untied the the ribbon and her head FELL OFF! The ribbon kept the woman's head attached to her neck like cats keep lesbians...ummm...lesbionic? Ok, I'm not even sure where I'm going with this but someone has to tell me WHY lesbians LOVE cats so much!?!?

RED RIBBON STORY

California Earthquake

If you don't already know there was a 5.4 earthquake in Los Angeles, California today.

If I hadn't already used the restroom right before it happened I would have pissed myself.

Totally Wax!

Today on MSN.com's homepage there is an article about celebrity wax statues called TOTALLY WAX!

My first question is: WHY do these creepy statues exist at all?
My second question is: There is NOTHING else going on in the world for the news to report on?
My third question is: Why didn't I buy any chocolate for my apartment? I'd really like a Kit Kat but all I have is salted almonds...FUCK!

Since MSN.com isn't an actual person who I can harass for a response then I figured if you can't beat them, join them!

Here's a wax statue of Celine Dion, her husband Rene Angelil and the real Celine Dion. Can you guess which one is real and which one is the statue?

Dan In Real Life.

Last night I rented the critically acclaimed film, Dan in Real Life, starring the fabulous comic genius Steve Carell. I had high hopes for this film although douchey mcdoucherson Dane Cook costarred as Carell's brother. I figured the charming French actress Juliette Binoche would melt my heart like she did in the English Patient and Chocolate but alas I found myself screaming at my dvd player saying- this is AWFUL!

If you haven't seen the film let me give you a run down:
Single father and writer, Carell is raising is 3 young daughters. Oh how cute! I automatically have to love Carell as the underdog protagonist and I bet by the end of the film he and his girls grow closer together. Please excuse me while I vomit in my own mouth. Cud anyone? (Come on who doesn't love a good cow reference?)

Carell and his darlings pack up and heads to Rhode Island for a family gathering. The grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all love each other SO much that they play games NON stop.

Hey- let's go to the beach!
Hey- let's do crossword puzzles!
Hey- let's play charades!
Hey- let's do aerobics outside!
Hey- let's have a music night and sing together!


This was like watching the Brady Bunch on steroids. No family loves each other that much. If I was with my family I'd be hiding out in my bedroom waiting to check in online early so I could catch a flight back home.

The best part of this movie is when Carell has love at first sight with Binoche from across a bookstore. Who wouldn't have love at first site with Juliette Binoche? As the two strangers part ways Carell gets Binoche's phone number although she tells him she has a boyfriend.

On a side note- I would kick my girlfriend in the head if she gave her number to a stranger!

Ok back to the plot:

Carell races back to his family's house excited that he finally meet someone. Poor guy, it's been four years since his wife's passing. As Carell enters the house his two brothers jump up and instantly notice Carell's sudden mood change. Wait, when did straight men become so intuitive?

Carell explains he met someone special and just at that moment Cook wants to introduce Carell to his new girlfriend. SURPRISE! His new girlfriend is Juilette Binoche! Don't you hate it when that happens? Hijinks must ensue, right?

I'll fast forward past the retardation and forced chemistry to the surprising ending when Cook "allows" Carell to have his girlfriend. As if she was a bowling trophy he has no need for anymore. Carell marries Binoche and their wedding is shown during the closing credits.

So let me just clarify why I have a huge problem with this film- I would NEVER marry, date or touch someone that my sister dated. Gross gross gross! There are enough people in this world that you don't have to share a vagina vessels with one of your family members.

Below are three other movies where siblings share sex partners. Did I mention this is disguising and resembles an episode of Jerry Springer?

The Other Boleyn Girl
Family Stone
American Sweetheart

Target will NOT lie to you.

I was in Target (the best store in the entire WORLD) shopping for a scale. I couldn't find it anywhere therefore I bottomed and asked for assistance. I approached a young male wearing a red Target tee shirt and asked "Excuse me. Do you work here?"

He replied, "Yes, but not in the appliance department so I can't help you and I don't want to lie to you."

I said, "Thank you. I appreciate not being lied to." And then he walked away as if we had a normal interaction.

Is it just me or was that ODD? Do department stores usually lie to their customers?

Thank you Target, thank you for your honesty!

Divorced at 10

Today on CNN.com there is a story of a girl in Yemen named Nujood Ali who was has already been married and divorced by the age of 10. Nujood's parents married her off to a man three times her age but claims Nujood's husband promised not to touch her until she was 20...ummm... I'm finding that a little hard to believe.

Nujood was raped and beaten by her husband. She begged her parents to help her but they said there was nothing they could do since she now belonged to her husband. (Let me repeat that : "she now BELONGED to her husband")

One day while visiting her parents Nujood escaped to the central courthouse and demanded to speak to a judge. She told the judge she was married and desperately needed a divorce to which the judge responded, "You're married?"

Nujood's husband and father were jailed before the hearing to ensure they would appear in court. She was given a human rights lawyer and was granted her divorce.

Nujood was returned to her parents (yes, she was returned to the people that enslaved her) and her husband was not prosecuted - instead he was COMPENSATED! Yep that's right Nujood had to pay HIM over $200.

Nujood now says she doesn't go out and play because she is ridiculed by neighbors and family members because they believe she shouldn't have challenged the system. Apparently this happens all the time in Yemen.

Not surprisingly Nujood said she will never marry again.

Obviously a witty response to this tragic news story wouldn't be appropriate (not that I could even fathom a response). All I can say is next time you're having a bad day and someone cuts you off in traffic or messes up your Starbucks coffee order just be glad you live in a culture that give you many opportunities that other cultures don't have.

10 year old bride

Laughing Matters World PREMIERE!

Laughing Matters...Next Gen
World Premiere at Outfest!

Hi guys in case you didn't know I shot a documentary about 6 up and coming gay standups and the world premiere is finally here. Here's all the information:

Screening & After-Party
Saturday, July 12
4:15 p.m.

There are less than 50 tickets left. So if you want to come than order your tickets while they are still available.

Featuring Edison Apple, Gloria Bigelow, Ryan Hill, Daniel Leary, Amy Tee and ME!


WOMEN ON A ROLL WEBSITE SAID "After searching for nearly a year before casting for the forth installment in her award-winning LAUGHING MATTERS series, director Andrea Meyerson has put together an outstanding cast of the new up and coming comics on the LGBT comedy circuit. Shot in her winning formula that interweaves stand-up material with candid interviews, viewers are given the opportunity to at once laugh and simultaneously meet the person behind the comedy."

There will be a Q&A with the director and entire cast immediately following the screening.

Tickets: $12
Tickets available at www.outfest.org or 213-480-7065.

Screening Location:
Regency Fairfax Theatre
7907 Beverly Blvd., Hollywood, CA 90048
Just west of Fairfax, north side of street.
Recommended Parking:
Valet parking in front of theatre for $5 per vehicle. Street parking on Beverly, Fairfax, Orange Grove, and Ogden Drive (check signs for restrictions).

After-Party!
Immediately following the screening!
Our party is in bar and lounge area of the Celadon Galerie Culinaire (kept private for our guests).

No charge for admission, just present your ticket stub.
No-host bar and reasonably priced Tapas available all night.

After-Party Location: Celadon Galerie Culinaire
7910 W. 3rd St.
Los Angeles, CA 90048
Just west of Fairfax, south side of street.
Approximately one-half mile from the theater.
Valet parking available.

Daniel Craig makes me want to be a better woman

Last night I returned from 2 weeks in France and boy my french is terrible. As I gathered my bags at LAX airport I realized Daniel Craig (yes, the most recent James Bond) was on my connecting flight from London and damn he looked AMAZING. I never get star-struck and especially not by male celebrities but he and his female companion were stunning. My backpacks were spread all over the floor at baggage claim. When Daniel walked by I moved them and he said "Why thank you" to which I responded, "Thank you, Sir", apparently my star-struck ass was playing a part in the film OLIVER "Please Sir, can I have some more?"

I chalk up my lame response to 2 days of no sleep and being on a plan with 3,000 screaming kids for 14 hours- GOD I hate kids!

After seeing Daniel (yes we're on a first name basis) I had an epiphany. I need to take better care of myself. Daniel looked so fit and healthy and my tired ass could barely stand up straight. So I'm giving myself a healthy-challenge, starting today.

Thank you, Daniel Craig, you make me want to be a better and healthier woman!

Bridget