HUMPTY DUMPTY

I'm currently in Switzerland shooting an episode of YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM ANYWHERE. After a long day of hiking and wine tasting I returned to my room and turned on CNN. The stock market was just closing and the news announced that the Bailout Bill did not pass. Then I thought to myself since I'm watching foreign news I wonder how the International Media is going to interpret this event?

Then two correspondents gave their feedback and said two awesome things that I wanted to share with you.

The first correspondent compared the US economic system to Humpty Dumpy. Saying, "Humpty had a great fall. Now who will put Humpty Dumpty back together again?"

The second correspondent said. "This is as if the US economy has pancreatic cancer."

I think I'm going to chill in Switzerland a little bit longer...

Something that annoyed me tonight- Part 2

Tonight I reviewed the call-sheet for a new show that I'm working on and I noticed an asterisk in the corner of the page saying "*Try to be ON-TIME! I'd like to start shooting ASAP."

I found the tone of the asterisk to be rude and I am therefore offended by it.

There are two types of people in this world:
#1 People that get to places on-time

AND

#2 People that do not.

I try to be the former but tend to be the latter.


September 22, 2008

Dear Asterisk,

You are a DICK! I don't appreciate your attitude. Rushing to work could cause an accident and possibly even my death! Mr. Asterisk, could you live with yourself if I DIED per your orders?

Shame Shame Shame on YOU SIR!!!!

Sincerely,

Bridget

p.s. I might be delayed in sending out this letter to you. As you know, I have a history of being late.

BRUNCH WITH BRIDGET IS BACK ON AFTERELLEN.COM

Hi guys-

After a 5 week hiatus BWB is back AfterEllen.com!!!

If you missed Friday's televised version on LOGO you can watch the extended version on AE every Sundays.

*The video has been having some technical issues but it should be working now. AE recommends viewing the video in Explorer, Firefox or clearing your cache and watching it in Safari. If you are still having issues then the video will be swapped out tomorrow and re-uploaded. Sorry if it's a pain for you- the video was shot and edited weeks ago but sometime computers are a bitch.

I hope you enjoy the show and please give the amazing Julie Goldman some love!

BRUNCH WITH JULIE GOLDMAN

Ingredients for the best milkshake EVER!

Here is the recipe for the bestest milk shake ever:

1 cup Silk Lowfat Soy Milk
1/2 cup Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream

Put above contains in a mug and stir until awesomeness has occurred.

p.s. FUCK YEAH!

Cactus Meat?

I just finished watching IRON CHEF and the "challenger" made a dish with "cactus meat" I didn't know cactuses had meat! Did you?

Please let me know if there are other meats on this planet that I'm unaware of.

JAWS IS RATED PG?

Tonight for the first time I watched the Steven Spielberg classic JAWS.

The film withstood the test of time and scared the SHIT out of me.

*For those of you who haven't seen JAWS it's about a HUGE shark that eats people...duh!

I screamed out-loud during the film mainly because I'm a pansy and also because PEOPLE WERE BEING EATEN BY A FREAKIN SHARK!

As the credits rolled I felt proud that I sat through a horrifying film and then I saw the film's rating...it's rated PG. PG? So if you're 13 years old it's okay to watch a shark devour people?

How come in US film making violence is ok but sex is not? Everyone on this earth was populated because of sex (well I can't forget the small percentage of people that were procreated via test tubes and egg fertilization-hello dear friends!)

I remember at the age of 17 I snuck into a theater to see Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner's film THE BODYGUARD.

The film is R rated due to its sexual content and deemed not appropriate for people under the age of 18 so my ass and the rest of my body was kicked out of the theater.

I guess if Kevin Costner was eaten by a shark, then I could have remained in my seat and noshed on a big bowl of buttery popcorn. mmmm....popcorn.

PEOPLE MAGAZINE is the Pyscho Ex-Girlfriend of Magazines

Four years ago, I ordered a People Magazine subscription. I enjoyed the magazine but after I saw HER I knew it was time to move on. I'm talking about the sexy Entertainment Weekly. EW was hipper, less gossipy yet snarky and had real purpose. But this isn't about my new love, it's about the magazine that knows no limits when attempting to get what it wants.

So I did it...I ended it with People Magazine. It wasn't anything dramatic. I didn't just call it off. I waited until my subscription was up, but People must have known something was going on. One month before my People subscription ended, I started receiving these "renew now" flyers. First it was once a week, then they showed up daily, and then the emails and phone calls started.

The staff at People magazine just didn't want me to leave.

People Rep: "I noticed you didn't renew People and I'd like to make you a discounted offer but you must renew now."

I knew in my heart of heart that if I did this, if I renewed, it would be like walking down the aisle to be unhappily joined to this magazine for life. So I took a stand and said, "No."

After the People stopped showing up in my mailbox, I still received flyers and emails telling me "it would extend it's offer to renew at a discounted rate but d I have to act immediately."

I have moved twice since my original subscription and yesterday when I checked my PO mailbox I noticed that they found me again.........

So once and for all here's my "Dear John" letter to People Magazine (a.k.a. the pyscho ex-girlfriend of all magazines)


September 14, 2008

Dear People Magazine,

I'm writing you as my last attempt to get you to understand that I no longer want or need you in my life. I have tried to let you go on the best of terms but you have no boundaries.

Stay away from me, stay away from my family or else I will obtain a restraining order.

Bridget

p.s. Ellen and Portia's wedding spread was lovely and your cover looks glossier than ever! Have you been working out?

BRUNCH on LOGO!

Hi guys-

I have good news! Brunch with Bridget will be airing on LOGO!!!!!

Yippeee!!! BWB will air Friday nights at 2AM after the LWord. The first of the new episodes will be Friday, Sept 19.

If you have LOGO please tune in to watch. Thank you all for your support, Baby Bridget and I really appreciate it.

Below is my new BWB promo with my new theme song "I'm Not Listening" by the all girl band, Sick of Sarah. Check them out on ITunes and myspace.

..
Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

I'm on LOGO tonight!

Yeehaw! Tonight Laughing Matters: Next Gen is airing at 8 PM on LOGO. Laughing Matters documents 6 young comedians that have been performing standup for less than 5 years (I shot the movie when I just reached my 1 year standup anniversary)

This version is much shorter than what will be released on dvd and what's circling the film festivals right now.

I haven't seen tonight's version yet so hopefully I behaved myself onscreen.
Wish me luck and tune in if you can.

Bridget

A guy stole my cell phone and threatened my mom!

Ok the title of this blog sounds worse then it actually is. Today I was shooting in Santa Monica, CA and while carrying three backpacks and a wardrobe bag unbeknownst to me I dropped my cell phone in the middle of the street. When I got into the studio I realized my phone was missing. I ran out to my car thinking I left my phone inside but alas it wasn't there. I figured I probably just threw it in one of my many bags and I'd find it later. When I got home I had emergency emails from my mom asking me if I was Ok.

Apparently, a man found my phone in the middle of the street and dialed my most recent call (which of course is my mum mum since I call her every single day) and he demanded money from her. She couldn't understand most of what he was saying because he was speaking spanish. My mom just kept telling this guy that the phone belonged to her daughter and wanted to know where I could met up with him to get the phone back. That idea freaked him out and he started screaming "Fuck you! Fuck you! You are going to call immigration on me aren't you?"

Good times.

So I had my phone temperately shut off in fear that his whack job was going to call the entire world on my dime OR WORSE use up my text messages. I trucked to the local AT&T store where I walked out with a shiny new cell phone and blue-tooth ear peice for the discounted price of $505!!!

Why does this shit always happen to me?

OUTIMPACT COMEDY REVIEW

Happy Monday kiddos!

A few weeks back I performed at Club Blue Steel in North Carolina with the lovely Poppy Champlain and Sandra Valls. My set was reviewed by Jessica Bennett at Outimpact.com. The article is a quickie so click this link if you want to check it out:

OUTIMPACT REVIEW

FU, F.O.T.G!

Tonight I watched the 1976 sci-fi horror film Food of the Gods (F.O.T.G) so I could participate in the fabulous Final Girl's film club. Just one glance at the amazingly bad dvd cover and I was ready to go!



Giant rats, enormous killer chickens and evil wasps!!! Now that's my kinda movie.

The film begins with a voice-over from Morgan, a professional football player/ horseback riding MacGyver. Morgan quotes his father's wise words on the upcoming animal apocalypse. When my dad and I talk it's usually about my mom or the condition of his front lawn.

Morgan and his friends head to a small Canadian island for some harmless deer hunting. All of a sudden one of the guys gets attacked by a swarm of giant wasps and when I write giant I mean GINORMOUS PLASTIC BUGS! Morgan hears his screams in the woods and discovers his friend swollen from the stings and covered in neon orange fake blood...soooo scary...

Morgan goes to find help at a near by farm but no one is home so it only makes sense to go snooping around inside the barn. But be careful Morgan because the barn is inhabited by ENORMOUS KILLER CHICKENS! (This bit was totally stolen from the 1970 Italian creature feature, La Cosa Nei Boschi.)

What has Morgan gotten himself into? Why didn't he just stay on the football field? And why is a professional football player wrestling with large chickens in the first place? Wait, sorry, there are too many questions that will never be answered.

Don't worry, Morgan escapes the killer chickens and finds the an elderly woman in the farm house. Introduce: Mrs. Skinner, who I nicknamed Country Suzy. Country Suzy is an old whack job religious freak that tells Morgan that God is the one who made the animals big. cuckoo cuckoo

Country Suzy shows off her husband's supply of gooey goo that he found bubbling in their back yard. Not to confuse that goo with their other supply of goo, God's goo is put into jars and labeled F.O.T.G. Country Suzy is BRILLIANT!
We soon find out that when Country Suzy feeds the animals God's goo it makes them huge and really pissed off.

The movie has everything a bad movie needs:
-A suicidal pregnant women.
-Rats that pop through windows like a game of Whack a Mole.
-A flat tire in a thunderstorm.
-A female bacteriologist (yes I said bacteriologist).
-Country Suzy dies fighting a rat with an axe.


Then the big crescendo of baddassness comes during the final fight scene. The rats have swarmed the house, the pregnant woman is about to explode with a baby and then the bacteriologist turns to Morgan and says, she wants to MAKE LOVE. (WHAT!!!!!!!!) And the best part is Morgan turns her down. This is way too awesome for words.

I would encourage you all to see this bad bad bad movie but during the rat fight scenes the rats really looked like they were getting injured. So I googled the movie and found out that during the making numerous animals were abused and killed. Rats were shot and drowned. This makes no sense because all because the effects were so ridiculously fake except for the animal torture scenes. Therefore I HATE this movie and you should too.

But first please read Final Girls review and send her some lovely feedback but seriously don't rent this movie because I don't want you to support animal torture like I unwittingly did.

Things I LOVE

While reviewing my blogs and I realized someone must have pissed in my Cheerios because my blogging tone has been quite sour lately. So to pick up my spirits I have decided to make a list of 10 things I LOVE! Feel free to add your own favorites.

#1 Anything Chocolate
#2 Anything Lesbian
#3 Starbucks Coffee
#4 Having a parking space at my apartment
#5 My fabulous family and awesome group of friends
#6 Weng Weng
#7 That California legalized gay marriage (See # 2)
#8 Coldplay
#9 Rita Mento
#10 The laughter of children

An All New GHOSTELLA

Happy Labor Day! On this festive American holiday a new episode of GHOSTELLA has just been posted on AfterEllen. Today's show has an all star lesbian cast with Rita Mento, Jackie Jones, Karman Kregloe, Cat Davis, Candy Kerns, Courtney Jackson, Corpsela and me.

Ghostella, AKA the best online show EVER, makes me laugh, cry and piss myself! I don't piss myself because I'm scared I just drank too much coffee today.

WATCH AND ENJOY