Only in Los Angeles

Today I went shopping at CVS to purchase 9 volt batteries and a Mother's day card.

As I browsed the nail polish aisle I spotted Tempestt Bledsoe (Vanessa Huxtable from the COSBY show). She looked radiant in her sunglasses in the extremely sunny drug store. I thought to myself "What a random celebrity, but hey this is Los Angeles celebrities are everywhere."

Then an announcement was made over the intercom. "Code 3. Code 3 in the cosmetic aisle!" The CVS security guard came running over towards me and I got out of the way and headed to the greetings cards for cover. The security guard screamed, "They were gypsies! A mother and her daughter team shoving items in their pockets. Gypsies don't pay for things because they're Gypsies!" I've never heard a truer statement, "Gypsies don't pay for things because they're Gypsies"

Hopefully these petty thieves didn't take too many compacts and nail files before jumping into their cobalt blue VW and speeding away (The announcer also described their getaway car in detail over the intercom). I figured this CVS store is way too active for me so I got in line to purchase my card and batteries and get the hell out of there. Two 12 year old girls were in front of me chatting loudly. I know they were 12 because they were whining about how their mothers wouldn't call them teenagers until they were officially 13. Then one of them said they couldn't wait to get plastic surgery. ummmm....WHAT? The other girl said yes she agreed but she didn't want a boob job like the other girl did she only wanted a nose job.

I was so stunned by this conversation that I put my card and batteries down and walked out of the store in fear that the locusts would be showing up soon.

LENA HEADEY ON BRUNCH WITH BRIDGET

Happy Sunday my dearest friends! My newest episode of BRUNCH has been posted and this week I have a special special guest and star of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Imagine Me & You and 300, LENA HEADEY!

Lena, who HATES Baby Bridget, talks about her passion for directing, gives insight to some of the most beautiful places in the world, teaches me how to properly shoot a banana and dishes on our upcoming horror film, DEADLY DRESS 4.

Check it out:
LENA ON BRUNCH

Don't Kill Yourself!

I've been cruising around New England with a car full of comedians and one of them told me that toll booth collectors have a high suicide rate. (There are a lot toll roads in New England and I accidently went thru the Mass Pike toll without paying- but that's another story and it wasn't my fault.)

So apparently, there is a study that says if you say more than 17 words to a toll booth collector it changes their entire outlook on a day. When I heard that I started chatting up every toll booth I drove through if they liked it or not. Out of 7 toll booths 6 collectors smiled and wanted to talk longer.

If you come in contact with a toll booth collector or anyone else that is in need of a smile-give it to them. Who knows it could even save their life.

p.s. My mom just hit me in the head with a door. She claims it was an accident.

Lez Get Real

My friend Sissy informed me that LezGetReal.com named me their "Celebrity Lesbian of the Week".

I am shocked and honored by their little writeup. Check it out if you're interested.

B :)

Lez Get Real

MAINE SHOW TONIGHT!

Hi guys! I have a show in Maine tonight, April 21, at 8:00 PM at the St. Lawrence Center for the Arts. Come play if you can!!! :)

Show Information:
76 Congress St.
Portland, ME
Cost: $20

National Iced Coffee Day

Today, Tuesday, April 21 is National iced coffee day. I am freaking out! I LOVE ICED COFFEE.

The wonderful east coast coffee chain Dunkin Donuts is celebrating NICD by offering $.50 iced coffees all day.

How will you celebrate?

BRUNCH WITH C. FITZ

Happy Sunday kiddies- I'm on the east coast chillin at my mom's pad in CT and while I was on a plane simultaneously my newest BRUNCH was posted on AE.

This week I rocked the bed with filmmaker C. Fitz (ie the master puppeteer for paper diva Lezzie Lilly)

Fitz discusses her obsession for JLO, confusing Clint Eastwood and her new documentary documentary, "ShowGirls".


CHECK IT OUT:
BWB WITH FITZ

p.s. It's a GOOD pillow fight!

CHERRY GRRL COMEDY LIST

Happy Friday my lovelys!

CherryGrrl put me on their list of "Fresh 10 Lesbians of Comedy".

Check out who else made the list.

Ok, I'll give you a hint:
My favorite female comic came in at #6.

CHERRY GRRL COMEDY LIST

I'm coming to NEW ENGLAND!!!

Hello my dear New Englanders-

I'm coming to see you next week! I'll be performing with the kids from the LOGO documentary, Laughing Matters: Next Gen, starting next Monday, April 20th.

I won't be able to make the other LM scheduled shows so check out the below dates which are the ONLY ones I will be attending.

Can't wait to see you!!!

Monday 4/20/2009
8:00 PM
Merrimack College
315 Turnpike St.
North Andover, MA 01845
Cost: Fundraiser

Tuesday 4/21/2009
8:00 PM
St. Lawrence Center for the Arts
76 Congress St.
Portland, ME
Cost: $20

Thursday 4/23/2009
8:30 PM
Marias Family Restaurant
8 Locust St
Haverhill, MA 01830
Cost: $25 includes buffet

Friday 4/24/2009
8:00 PM
Hobo Cafe (18+ to get in)
5 Broadway
Salisbury, MA
Cost: $10

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL Film Review

The Day the Earth Stood Still Film Review

I just got off a plane and I thought I'd put on a relaxing movie. I watched THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL but it didn't relax me it made my brain explode from stupidity.

Here is what Wikipedia's says about the movie, "A flying saucer orbits Earth, and lands in Central Park and alien Klaatu, Keanu Reeves, steps out and is shot by a jumpy soldier. The film updates the Cold War theme of nuclear warfare to the contemporary issue of humankind's environmental damage to the planet. The screenplay is based on the 1940 classic science fiction short story "Farewell to the Master" by Harry Bates and the 1951 screenplay adaptation by Edmund H."

Here's my *expert opinion:

-This disaster film has no heart so after 20 minutes I didn't care if the earth blow up or if the dvd caught on fire in my dvd player.

-Keanu Reeves plays an alien named Klaatu. This was the role he was BORN to play!

-THE LABYRINTH'S Jennifer Connelly has the fate of the world in her hands. Who put her dumb ass in charge? I'd rather have the fate of the World in the hands of Bill Pullman from INDEPENDENCE DAY or even Anne Heche in VOLCANO! Ok, that's not true. I wouldn't want Anne to make any decisions regarding the human race or even decide what I have for dinner.

-Kathy Bates acts like an angry Cinnabon thru the entire film. What a waste of the amazing and talented Kathy Bates. I'd rather watch Kathy's nude scene in ABOUT SCHMIDT for 4 hours straight than watch 1 trailer for TDTESS.

-Jaden Smith is a douche-in-training. Like father, like son.

-I paid money to rent this POS. Now I'll have to steal something to get my money back so this whole experience is a wash.

IN SUMMATION:
Thanks to TDTESS I now have become a petty thief. If David Bowie starred in this film it would have been awesome and the Earth wouldn't have stood still, it would have SPUN!



*By expert, I mean douche-graduate.

Question: Why the FUCK am I awake right now?

Multiple Choice:

A: Because I'm sharing a hotel room with Daniel Leary and he snores like a monster.

B: Because I'm on the east coast and my brain is still on west coast time.

C. I rarely ever sleep anyway so why am I making a big deal about not being asleep at 2:30AM.

D: I'm seriously going to smother Daniel if he doesn't stop snoring.

E: All of the above


Answer: E, All of the above.

I'm off to find a large pillow so I can smother Daniel and his big snoring male nostrils.

FLORIDA SHOW REVISION

Hi kiddies-

I'm performing at the University of Florida in Gainesville tonight and the venue has been changed. Due to the chance of rain the show will now be at the COLONNADE (which is next to theater and dance dept behind the Amphitheater)

Tickets are FREE!

Dare 2 Laugh: Comedy Night with Me and Daniel Leary.
Show time: 7PM
University of Florida, Gainesville
303 W University Ave
Gainesville, FL

Taxes Ho Hum

Let's pretend I didn't owe the government a ton of money- now in this "pretend" world I have lots of money and with it I would buy:

#1 Flowers for all my friends
#2 A rollercoaster for my bedroom (It might not fit though).
#3 As much Easter candy to last me until next Easter.
#4 8 more hours for each day so I can sleep and not be blogging at 1:33am...who said that?

FLORIDA SHOW THIS MONDAY!

Hello my east coasters!

This Monday night, April 13, I will be performing at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Come out and play if you can! :)


Dare 2 Laugh: Comedy Night with Me and Daniel Leary.
Show time: 7PM
University of Florida, Gainesville
Amphitheatre
303 W University Ave
Gainesville, FL

Call for Information:
352-392-1649

I'm 92% sure that tickets are FREE!!!!

HOT 100 LIST 2009

It's that time of year again....drum roll please........ok...you can stop drumming now.

AfterEllen has opened the polls for the 2009 HOT 100 LIST!

You can submit your nominations for the 10 women you think are the hottest. I judge hottness by IQ.

The voting polls will be open for the next 2 weeks and the results will be announced Monday, May 11th.

This year, you can also submit nominees for:
10 Hottest Out Lesbian/Bi Women
10 Hottest Women of Color
10 Hottest Women Over 40

I was pretty high on the list last year and with all the hotties this year I hope I make the list at all.

VOTE HOT 100

p.s. Are there really voting "polls" if it's just an online submission form?

Are you sure tax day is April 15?

Filing one's taxes should be optional.

Does food heal you?

Sometimes when I'm feeling really shitty about myself I eat junk food to make myself feel better and then of course I inevitably feel shitty from eating the junk food. It makes sense for the moment and then all bets are off.

Below is a list my favorite naughty foods. Let's just "pretend" I ate onion rings tonight.

#1 Milkshakes (chocolate, double chocolate and triple chocolate)
#2 Diet Cherry Coke with gallons of grenadine.
#3 Onion rings.
#4 Potato salad.
#5 Brownies with cream cheese frosting.
#6 Cadbury mini eggs. (let's be honest that should be #1 on my list- thank GAWD they only come out once a year)
#7 Macaroni salad. (apparently I like mayonnaise)
#8 My mom's chocolate fudge cake with vanilla frosting. yum yum.
#9 Cheetos
#10 Fried mozzarella

What are your favorite naughty foods?

SACRAMENTO COMEDY SHOW

Hi Kiddies- I have a show at CSUS this Wednesday 4/8 at 6PM. If you feel like coming out and playing here's the information:

Hinde Auditorium (inside the Sacramento State University Union)
6000 J. St.
Sacramento, CA 95819
Parking: 6th Floor, Structure III

Price: Completely FREE!!!!

Ages: All ages

For more information about this activity, contact
CSUS PRIDE Center at
Phone: (916) 278-8720
E-mail: pride@csus.edu

CSUS SHOW

SACRAMENTO COMEDY SHOW

Hi Kiddies- I have a show at CSUS this Wednesday 4/8 at 6PM.

Hinde Auditorium (inside the Sacramento State University Union)
6000 J. St.
Sacramento, CA 95819
Parking: 6th Floor, Structure III

Price: Completely FREE!!!!

Ages: All ages

For more information about this activity, contact
CSUS PRIDE Center at
Phone: (916) 278-8720
E-mail: pride@csus.edu

CSUS SHOW

April Fool's Day 2009

I totally forgot that yesterday was THE DAY to play pranks on people.

I love playing pranks so I don't know how I forgot all about April Fool's Day. Now I'm going to have to wait another full year before I'm allowed to be an asshole trickster and get away with it.

Well actually I could probably be an asshole on my birthday or maybe even on Christmas and get away with it. People are really forgiving at Christmas time.


The count down to April Fool's 2010 begins....